tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7500509297965316892011-04-21T18:44:27.192+01:00A razor-sharp eight month old logs her attempts to mentally, physically and emotionally break her mummy.The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.comBlogger261100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-43340307306532269302007-08-30T10:08:00.000+01:002007-08-30T11:11:49.754+01:00

We bumped into Donna and her daughter Bella in town yesterday, they were returning some black-out blinds to a shop as they had fallen off the wall and nearly skewered Bella's skull. I am suspecting that this was no chance meeting and that Mummy has recruited them both to her cause in an attempt to weaken me. You see, Bella is always ill, she is always incubating some new strain of super-virus

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-84784261725328262102007-08-26T10:27:00.000+01:002007-08-30T11:21:56.441+01:00

Mummy has found an elaborate new device with which to torment me. She has fixed a plastic child seat to the rear of her bike and while in theory this could be great fun, in practise it is most unpleasant. I had visions of floating through the park in the hazy summer sunshine with the scent of jasmine in my nostrils and the gentle breeze tickling my hair. But it wasn't to be, instead I have an

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-27340995517672017662007-08-24T10:22:00.001+01:002007-08-30T11:21:15.659+01:00

Before your mummy and daddy leave for work in the mornings you must ensure they're dressed properly. There are a few badges of parenthood they must never leave the house without:1. Epaulets of dry vomit.2. Suspicious-looking milk stain on trouser leg.3. Toast / Weetabix / porridge deposit in hair.4. Poo-poo under fingernail.5. Red scratch-mark across face.6. Gummed rusk in handbag / briefcase.7.

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-5247188262897128072007-08-22T21:21:00.000+01:002007-08-30T11:20:35.370+01:00

A great way of undermining Mummy's confidence and self-esteem is to ensure that she never gets to spend any intimate moments with Daddy. This is easy to achieve during the day, it's simply a matter of yelling out whenever they kiss or cuddle. Some self-sacrifice may be required however, I remember an occasion when they were so wrapped up in their hug that my moan didn't register with them; I had

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-38030259663180646992007-08-22T16:04:00.000+01:002007-08-30T11:20:02.023+01:00

Tormenting Mummy has never been easier. She’s been back to work for a couple of days over the last two weeks and has become a conflicted woman. One minute she’s desperate to jack in the job and stay at home with yours truly and the next she’s banging on about the exciting new projects she’s working on. The woman is unstable; I’d go as far to say she’s bipolar. She cries most nights and rather

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-84146069904243299432007-08-18T07:43:00.001+01:002007-08-30T11:19:03.651+01:00

After a satisfactory morning unravelling and ingesting a toilet roll, I was whisked off to visit my arch enemy, Nora. Mummy imagines I enjoy spending time with this particular playmate, but she's wrong. We are bitter rivals. The main reason for this is that I am rather envious of her walking ability (although she still needs a trolley to keep her stable) and Nora is jealous of my speed-crawling.

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-67821766351333311932007-08-10T16:39:00.000+01:002007-08-18T07:41:19.750+01:00

Mummy went to the pub with the Other Mothers a couple of nights ago, luckily for me it’s close enough that I was able to slip the baby monitor into her bag and listen to the revelry from the comfort of my cot. I was disgusted to hear that they were all very excitable because they were away from their offspring and enjoying it! This is hardly the attitude to take regarding the propagation of the

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-62477465997367414542007-08-09T10:13:00.000+01:002007-08-18T07:40:48.738+01:00

Have you noticed how your Mummy has clothing of three different sizes: Forgiving (from pregnancy days), Optimistic (post-pregnancy but still a little too snug) and Unattainable (pre-pregnancy)? And three types of underwear: Capacious Greys (worn most days), Occasional Pinks (when she’s making an effort) and Redundant Reds (never seen her in these lacy numbers, not entirely sure of their purpose)?

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-6193354341569282012007-08-07T10:09:00.000+01:002007-08-18T07:39:54.374+01:00

Mummy - who is still in robust denial of her adulthood - took me to the Big Chill festival last weekend. A whirlwind of DJs, poets, artists, comedians and musicians; people in absurd outfits with twisted smiles; jugglers on stilts; unwashed people smoking shabbily-manufactured and strange-smelling cigarettes; brazen women who ought to know better in teeny bikini tops; just generally people lazily

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-53063216978481440462007-07-27T09:35:00.000+01:002007-07-29T19:58:14.713+01:00

This week Mummy took me to Sprockett's Farm with her friends, Eleanor, Katherine and their babies, Amy and Elsa. It was a glorious outing, I experienced creatures of this earth that simply astounded me. As I recall we saw rheas, alpacas, pigs, cows, sheep, goats, llamas, chickens, rabbits, horses and all kinds of beasts that made one's head spin. To my boggled mind, some of the animals were

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-89219296238209219442007-07-25T07:51:00.000+01:002007-07-28T19:58:31.774+01:00

What is my imbecile of a Mummy thinking? She has bought me a kids’ songs CD on which pleasant little ditties such as ‘Incy Wincy Spider’ and ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’ have been ‘funked up’ in such a way that the original tunes are unrecognisable. Different music genres such as reggae, rap and grime distort the pretty melodies.Now, I have the utmost respect for the Afro Caribbean vernacular, but one

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-59825678609232776592007-07-23T14:44:00.000+01:002007-07-23T15:27:48.745+01:00

I have simply wonderful news for you comrades. Last week one began to crawl! Slowly and clumsily at first, but tentatively becoming more agile and speedy as each day passes. Admittedly I need to work on my stamina as I tend to get exhausted after a few shuffles, but I am trying to overcome this by eating heartily and smuggling alphabet bricks into my cot at night so I can pump them (100 reps per

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-4454320542966822342007-07-17T09:43:00.000+01:002007-07-18T10:05:37.298+01:00

Babes in Arms,I write to you from the old market town of Beverley in East Yorkshire where Mummy is visiting her own mother. Fear not good tots, I have smuggled my Fisher Price computer into my travel cot so I can keep open our line of communication.This Grandma (or Milly, as she prefers to be called) is an entirely different kettle of fish from my other Grandma, she didn't need to be conscripted

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-89002752501489300442007-07-12T09:12:00.000+01:002007-07-28T19:55:18.947+01:00

When one needs to pass a stool, try to save it for a very public arena such as a restaurant or a supermarket. Then, when there is a pause in conversation or the general hubbub dies down, place one's hands on one's knees and roar as you squeeze the awkward fellow out. Channel Brian Blessed as you bellow, red-faced and grimacing, across the room. Let no one be in doubt about the titanic struggle in

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-71508561858632414882007-07-11T21:52:00.000+01:002007-07-17T11:15:57.574+01:00

As a baby it's particularly important to take care of one's appearance, you see, the better one looks the more attention one receives from the Long Ones. It's as simple as that. How many babies do you know that are adored for their ready wit or engaging conversation? Ugly babies don't get a great deal of love and are rarely petted and cooed over by Free Range Mothers (which is important as it

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-34482593549905650482007-07-09T09:36:00.000+01:002007-07-17T11:17:00.421+01:00

United Babies of the World,I have put together a brief reference tool for your information. The varying levels of anxiety your mummy reaches can easily be identified by the tone of her cheeks, the involuntary muscle movement of her face, the violence of her cursing and the relative heat she radiates:Flustered Flush: This is a mild irritation to say, changing a nappy in an inconvenient place such

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-13192784541276061142007-07-08T14:17:00.000+01:002007-07-17T11:17:45.719+01:00

Babies of the Resistance,I achieved a major victory over the Dominatrix today as she made the fatal error of taking me shopping with her, an activity rich with opportunities to increase her blood pressure.We were on our second lap around the gruelling Selfridges circuit when I spotted a store detective tailing us. I was hardly surprised, Mummy looked like a cartoon criminal with the bags under

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-13500300671746210972007-07-05T21:39:00.000+01:002007-07-17T11:18:15.643+01:00

One of your potentially most powerful allies - the queen of the chessboard, if you will - is the Mother-in-Law. She's visiting at present and I have played a phenomenal masterstoke, listen and learn oh oppressed babies of the world, listen and learn.Dear Grandma likes a tipple every now and then, she also enjoys a quick chug on a cheroot when the fancy takes her. Watching the wine swill around

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-22367039511731389502007-07-04T17:00:00.000+01:002007-07-17T11:18:58.180+01:00

Had a very satisfactory day out today. Mummy took me to Snakes and Ladders, an indoor adventure playground where one can hone one's motor functions without being impeded by sofas, shoes or cats. We rendezvous'd with some of my chums and their mummies, unfortunately these Other Mothers are not soldiers in my Other Mother Army, on the contrary they seem to have a schmaltzy bond of solidarity

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-47456820068828123942007-07-03T17:37:00.001+01:002007-07-17T11:19:28.008+01:00

This isn't the kind of potty training you might expect me to be talking about, besides I know very well how to use a lavatory, thank you very much, but one derives tremendous glee from watching Mummy gag and balk at my latest production and I'm certainly not giving up this pleasure in a hurry. And by the way, why on earth do people call toilets 'conveniences' when there's nothing quite as

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-34130091791158685612007-07-02T12:19:00.000+01:002007-07-17T11:19:51.740+01:00

Save this particular move for those days when Mummy's been spending some time in front of the mirror, or is in high spirits as she's finally got back into some of her pre-pregnancy clothes. An ideal moment would be one of those rare and disgraceful times where she's leaving you to meet friends. Wait until she's ready to walk out of the door, hair up all elegantly, make-up painstakingly applied.

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-43548923159358466592007-07-02T09:17:00.000+01:002007-07-17T11:21:00.150+01:00

When mummy's feeling pretty good about things and I'm not in the mood for battle I can usually rely on another mother to pull a Jenga brick out of the bottom of Mummy's teetering tower of confidence. These Other Mothers are everywhere you look: a stranger on the street (Free Range Mother), a member of the family, a friend, a friend's friend, a colleague, there are even Other Mothers who don't

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-71345462365752844422007-07-02T08:24:00.000+01:002007-07-17T11:21:27.863+01:00

If you're very clever you can use daddy as part of a two-pronged attack on The Dominatrix. Daddy's adept at unwittingly adding to mummy's woes, it's true that he wants to help mummy and he often does, but every now and then he can be more effective than an nappy-breaching poop in actually frustrating The Dominatrix.All you have to do is act sweet, smiley and a little sleepy, this will make it

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-32927291847060301152007-06-29T10:07:00.000+01:002007-07-17T11:21:58.638+01:00

When you are lying on your back and your mummy is doing something profoundly irritating to you such as trying to wipe your face or clean your ears, grab her hair with both hands, pull with all your might and while she screams and tries to disentangle herself, pummel her boobs (or what's left of them since you've pretty much sucked the life out of them and they now look more like naan bread than

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-29932457017001770362007-06-28T17:49:00.000+01:002007-06-28T18:53:34.502+01:00

The Dominatrix rules the television with an iron fist, but today I managed to misbehave enough that in her tired state she put it on for me. Discovered Pingu, a Swiss animation featuring a hapless Penguin and his friends. He got into terrible trouble over the smashing of a blue vase. Mayhem. Have to say I found the moral undertone a little blunt, one likes to discover the underlying message, not

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-750050929796531689.post-60780707078468192772007-06-28T10:22:00.000+01:002007-06-28T14:02:23.855+01:00

It's tough being eight months old, no one gives you credit for stoically enduring the interminable gum-ache; the hot, peaty nappies; or the way your fontanelle beats embarrassingly rapidly when you're excited or cross, it makes one's hair-do look preposterous. I also find it infuriating that I'm not yet master of my face, every expression is writ large for Mummy (aka The Dominatrix) and all the

The Daily Railnoreply@blogger.com0